deadlyflirt's Datingish

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 03:08:35 GMT

He was completely drunk when I showed up, probably in anticipation of my arrival. He drank more after I showed up as well. And then as we danced, he stopped abruptly and walked away. Then later on, when we were talking with some friends, he leaned in to me and told me he was sorry, but he forgot how attracted to me he is. W.T.F. Then, we were dancing again, and he kind of pulled in close, and our faces touched. I could hear his breathing get heavier. We both moved our faces at the same time, and our lips accidentally brushed across each others. I still held firm, and did not kiss him. We went and got more refreshments, mine being water, and he said hello to some more people. We danced again, this time, he kissed me. We both pulled away and looked at each other, realizing exactly what just happened. Then it was all over. We grabbed each other and started full on making out, in front of everyone. Then of course I got the lovely duty of walking the boys home, and cleaning up after them as they spent most of the night in the bathroom. What fun. I called him yesterday, to talk about what happened. While he admitted he knows he still has feelings for me, I'm fairly certain there is an extremely small chance of him ever taking me back. However, I have decided to try. I tried to live without him, but I can't. I am completely, madly, hopelessly, passionately in love with him, and I always will be.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:20:06 GMT

So, I've been talking to that guys best friend, whom I'm also extremely close with. We are supposed to hang out, but instead we may go visit that guy at his school this Saturday night! His friend said he wasn't opposed to seeing me either! This makes me SO happy, and really freaking nervous! I don't know what to do or say! Wow.. I think I might throw up I'm so nervous..

However far away, I will always love you..

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 03:17:02 GMT

I'm scared.

Ever since I've been home, I've had one guy on my mind non-stop. The only guy I've ever loved, the only heart I've ever broken, the only spirit I've ever broken. In the past week I've had three dreams about him, and every second of every day, he is on my mind. I'm not exaggerating either. When I lived three states away, it was easy to forget about him and not worry about him at all. I just set my facebook to take away all the feeds about him, and he never crossed my mind! Now that I'm home, and I know he lives only 45 minutes away, and I may run into him at any given moment, I can't stop thinking about him. I am still very much in love with him, I just didn't see how we could ever have worked together. However, after being in the sea with all the other fishies, I can't seem to find anyone I think I could even begin to feel what I feel for him. And I realized that no matter how difficult things got with him, it was still SO easy because I wanted it SO much. It was so easy to put my heart on the line for him, because I was so very much in love with him.

I am scared I may never feel this way again.

Do I contact him? Or just leave it be?

These dreams MUST mean something.. Each one has been different, but with the same idea. In every one, I get really nervous when I see him, because I feel like he hates me, but then we end up talking just like nothing ever happened, like nothing changed.

Has my life been written in the stars?

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 23:50:34 GMT

It's been awhile since our last encounter.. I apologize.

After hooking up with the coworker a bit more, I slowly realized I didn't really care for him. I only cared for the fact that he held me on such a high pedestal. He found it so amazing that someone like me could go for someone like him. He was in constant awe of how beautiful I was. He always told me so. I was, and still am in a rather confused place in my life, it felt GOOD to have someone constantly reminding me that I am a great catch, even if I rarely believed him.

Rewind. About two weeks ago I visit my composer. I wrote about our date already. It was so great. Later that week, we hung out two more times. Once, I went to his apartment and we watched a movie, rather cozily I might add. And the other time I took him out with my friends. We ended up talking relationships. I mentioned that I had never been in a real relationship because I had yet to find a guy who is worth my time. So, when he dropped me off, we said goodbye to my friends, and he pulled my aside and was like, "I need to talk to you about something.. Would you say that I am worth your time?" My heart jumped and I obviously said yes. Now, bear in mind that we have not done anything physical, aside from hugging, at this point. We sat in his car, and talked for another 2 HOURS. Then, as we were saying goodbye, we hugged, and as I pulled away, I notice him still holding on to me a bit, so I looked up at him, and he kissed me! It was so perfect. It was the PERFECT first kiss. I mean, it had everything I look for in a kiss! It has been two weeks, and I haven't been able to see him at all because he's away, but I have not been able think of anything else but that kiss! The next time I get to see him is, how epically amazing is this: Valentine's weekend.

I just want you to know who I am..

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 22:08:44 GMT

Had a date with the composer from school last night. It was AWESOME. We saw Slumdog Millionaire, a movie I highly recommend watching, it was truly outstanding. Then we went to get a coffee at my favorite coffee spot. We talked for hours, like we always do, without a single awkward silence. We talked about everything too, it was so great. And I felt myself getting awkwardly flirty with him. Like, giggly flirty. I typically don't get too giggly, unless I actually like the guy, then my subconscious does weird things, like giggle. It was really nice. And, at the end of the night, he walked me to my building, and gave me a good hug. I mean, he held on tight, and he held on for more than a few seconds. It was a good hug. No kiss. I was strangely okay with that.. I mean, I really wanted to like make out with him in his car, but I've NEVER been with a guy that didn't kiss me. He's sparked my intrigue. He's kept my interest going for quite awhile. If he knows what he's doing, he's completely brilliant, if he doesn't, he's still good. My romance life has consisted of mostly meaningless hookups, both drunken and sober, and one relationship that was never made official. The one relationship was with a guy that I had liked for three years, and he had liked me for the same amount of time, and when we finally started things, it started with us making out in the lawn. Currently, there's a guy at home, the coworker, who is very interested in a relationship with me, and that started with me kissing him. I enjoy kissing, but get bored with the guy rather quickly, mainly because I know I can kiss anyone, they have to offer me something I can't get from just anyone. This composer is. He's offering me friendship, serious and completely ridiculous conversations that never have silence in them, great dates, and he makes me want to be a better person. I have never found someone who was able to offer me all of these things at one time. And, I've never met anyone who was able to intrigue me in this way. He's exactly the type of guy I want to end up with someday.

Consumed with what's to transpire..

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 06:15:18 GMT

So.. let's recap. Kissed the coworker on Thursday night. Went out to eat on Friday with a bunch of people from work. Kissed a little bit.. but not much at all. Went bowling on Saturday. PDA. His arms around me, kissing me, etc. Had to grab his hands a few times because he was like rubbing my inner thighs. Sunday, went to hookah with some people. Had his arms around me the entire time. Made out for the first time in his car in my driveway. Dad pulled up and saw us. Not good. Went out to a movie tonight. Arms around me the whole movie, and more than one moment when his hand rested on my chest. Kissing in his car, his hand grabbed my chest. Twice.

Things are moving too quickly. Not only are we getting "comfortable" way too quickly, but he's already moving in for the boob grab, and that was technically our first official date! Not cool. I may be a whore sometimes.. but that's with kissing. Nothing else. I am saving my virginity for my husband. I made this decision a long time ago, and plan on keeping it. I've done well so far, even though there have been a few attempts against it.. I've held strong. It's not a hard thing for me to do, it's actually rather easy, because it's something I believe in so strongly! He just got out of a 2 year relationship, in which he had sex. I never know how to have this conversation, because most guys I date are already aware of my promise, because they've really gotten to know me, but he doesn't know. I just don't want him to expect anything. I hate that. And it's not just sex, I honestly don't do anything but kissing. I mean, I've had some pretty hardcore make out sessions, but nothing down there. My chastity belt stays in place.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 18:48:47 GMT

So, the coworker really likes me. Last night, we made out for the first time, and just as we had decided to stop and he was giving me my goodnight kiss, my dad pulls up. MORTIFYING. The guy was so worried my dad is going to hate him now. I just quickly went up stairs and turned on a movie and pretended to be asleep so they couldn't talk to me.. AHH!

Too many legs under the table..

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 05:59:30 GMT

Tonight was PERFECT. Just thinking about him, I got a few butterflies. I haven't gotten butterflies for so long. The last guy I had butterflies for was my first and only love so far. He picked me up after work and then we went out with a bunch of other kids we work with. It was fun, I love all these people. I will never take this job for granted, because I not only love most of the people I work with, but I also love what I do! How often does that come around? Anyway, we ate, talked, chilled. It was fun. Then he took me home, and we sat in my driveway for at least 45 minutes just talking. Honestly. We kissed for maybe 7 of those minutes, we just talked about everything. He's liked me for almost a year. And he never had the courage to say anything! Plus up until like 2 months ago, he had a girlfriend, who was absolutely horrible for him. Apparently a guy who works in his department with him gave him a list of things he had to do. Telling me how he felt was priority #1, mainly because I leave in like a week and a half, but also because the guy could see how good it would be for him. AND he said all day today people at work were commenting on how happy he was. He told me he missed talking to me, when he got home 20 minutes after leaving me at my house.. He told me he really liked me before, but he can feel himself falling for me more and more. How can feelings like this sneak up on you?!

The bad part of all of this? When I get back to school, I won't know what to do, because I still have strong feelings for the guy from school. And of course they're both musicians who want to teach music. I ALWAYS, without fail, will fall for the musician, without even knowing they are a musician. It's like in my blood or something, I can smell out musicians and find them. haha. When I go back, I have a feeling things will start with the composer, but when I get back here, things will start with my coworker. I just know it. This is always how my timing works out. One minute there is no love for me, and then suddenly I have romantic dilemmas to deal with! Stupid cosmic timing.. grr.. Can't one of them decide not to like me? Because life would be so much easier for me then..

Friday, January 02, 2009

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:50:26 GMT

The boy from last night and I are going out tonight. He hasn't stopped texting me all day. :)

It's the choices that make us who we are.

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 13:00:07 GMT

wow.

Party last night. My friend from work kept asking if I was going to be there, and ever since I've been back, he's been acting slightly different towards me. Before I left for school, he was still with his girlfriend of two years, and while I was gone, he finally broke up with her. (I say 'finally' because she was no good for him, and he will tell you that.) So, anyway.. I put things together and realized he had a thing for me. Now, I thought this guy was great the first time I met him. He used to work in my department, so I got to spend a good amount of time with him. He's really good-looking, and he's probably the sweetest guy I know. So, back to last night. Party. There was a large party last night to celebrate New Years, which I was unable to attend. Apparently just about everyone was smashed. I didn't have anything to drink the night before, so I decided to make up for it last night. I started hanging on him a bit, and the my best friend pulled me aside and asked if it was okay for Matt and I to hook up. We had talked earlier about him, and how I thought he had a crush on me, and how I thought things might happen, but she wanted to be sure that I wasn't going to make a mistake. That's why I love her. So, I gave her the okay, to tell her boyfriend to give Matt the okay. Needless to say.. things happened. We ended up kissing. I told him that I would have kissed him even if I was sober, which is totally true, and then he told me he had sort of wanted to do that since he met me. I really wish I was sober for it though.. because he's so great. I got a text shortly after my best friend put me to sleep.. haha.. and it said goodnight with a smiley face. it made me smile. He doesn't have work basically the rest of the weekend, so he said he'd call me tonight. :) I should mention, he didn't have a single thing to drink last night, because he said he had enough to drink the night before. And he was asking me when I left to go back to school, and then when I get back from school too.

With all that, I can't help but think of another guy. The wonderful guy that's several hours away where we go to school together. It's difficult going to school so far away, because I have two distinct lives, bridged only by facebook and my sister. I can't decide which life I'd rather live either, which is ultimately what this decision is about.