He was completely drunk when I showed up, probably in anticipation of my arrival. He drank more after I showed up as well. And then as we danced, he stopped abruptly and walked away. Then later on, when we were talking with some friends, he leaned in to me and told me he was sorry, but he forgot how attracted to me he is. W.T.F. Then, we were dancing again, and he kind of pulled in close, and our faces touched. I could hear his breathing get heavier. We both moved our faces at the same time, and our lips accidentally brushed across each others. I still held firm, and did not kiss him. We went and got more refreshments, mine being water, and he said hello to some more people. We danced again, this time, he kissed me. We both pulled away and looked at each other, realizing exactly what just happened. Then it was all over. We grabbed each other and started full on making out, in front of everyone. Then of course I got the lovely duty of walking the boys home, and cleaning up after them as they spent most of the night in the bathroom. What fun. I called him yesterday, to talk about what happened. While he admitted he knows he still has feelings for me, I'm fairly certain there is an extremely small chance of him ever taking me back. However, I have decided to try. I tried to live without him, but I can't. I am completely, madly, hopelessly, passionately in love with him, and I always will be.

I'm scared.

Ever since I've been home, I've had one guy on my mind non-stop. The only guy I've ever loved, the only heart I've ever broken, the only spirit I've ever broken. In the past week I've had three dreams about him, and every second of every day, he is on my mind. I'm not exaggerating either. When I lived three states away, it was easy to forget about him and not worry about him at all. I just set my facebook to take away all the feeds about him, and he never crossed my mind! Now that I'm home, and I know he lives only 45 minutes away, and I may run into him at any given moment, I can't stop thinking about him. I am still very much in love with him, I just didn't see how we could ever have worked together. However, after being in the sea with all the other fishies, I can't seem to find anyone I think I could even begin to feel what I feel for him. And I realized that no matter how difficult things got with him, it was still SO easy because I wanted it SO much. It was so easy to put my heart on the line for him, because I was so very much in love with him.

I am scared I may never feel this way again.

Do I contact him? Or just leave it be?

These dreams MUST mean something.. Each one has been different, but with the same idea. In every one, I get really nervous when I see him, because I feel like he hates me, but then we end up talking just like nothing ever happened, like nothing changed.

Had a date with the composer from school last night. It was AWESOME. We saw Slumdog Millionaire, a movie I highly recommend watching, it was truly outstanding. Then we went to get a coffee at my favorite coffee spot. We talked for hours, like we always do, without a single awkward silence. We talked about everything too, it was so great. And I felt myself getting awkwardly flirty with him. Like, giggly flirty. I typically don't get too giggly, unless I actually like the guy, then my subconscious does weird things, like giggle. It was really nice. And, at the end of the night, he walked me to my building, and gave me a good hug. I mean, he held on tight, and he held on for more than a few seconds. It was a good hug. No kiss. I was strangely okay with that.. I mean, I really wanted to like make out with him in his car, but I've NEVER been with a guy that didn't kiss me. He's sparked my intrigue. He's kept my interest going for quite awhile. If he knows what he's doing, he's completely brilliant, if he doesn't, he's still good. My romance life has consisted of mostly meaningless hookups, both drunken and sober, and one relationship that was never made official. The one relationship was with a guy that I had liked for three years, and he had liked me for the same amount of time, and when we finally started things, it started with us making out in the lawn. Currently, there's a guy at home, the coworker, who is very interested in a relationship with me, and that started with me kissing him. I enjoy kissing, but get bored with the guy rather quickly, mainly because I know I can kiss anyone, they have to offer me something I can't get from just anyone. This composer is. He's offering me friendship, serious and completely ridiculous conversations that never have silence in them, great dates, and he makes me want to be a better person. I have never found someone who was able to offer me all of these things at one time. And, I've never met anyone who was able to intrigue me in this way. He's exactly the type of guy I want to end up with someday.